I am not saying that you’re perfect and should never reflect inward.

There are always going to be ways you can improve.

But sometimes really really really good natured, emotionally intelligent people are intolerable to those who truly don’t have their shit together.

If you’re one of the good natured sorts, someone who has perhaps been compared to Martha Stewart or someone else who (aside from prison time) has their shit together, and you try to help people – either by being a solid pillar of support or else by giving as much of yourself as you can (this applies to friends you make online, your children, even your younger step-sister – really anyone), please note that on occasion there will be people who take and then walk away from you.

It might not make a lot of sense to you.

And that’s probably because it’s not a rational behavior.

People who need help can’t rationalize it. They just know they don’t feel good when comparing their life to yours. Or knowing that “she who has it together” is probably judging them for not.

Even if you’re not judging.

It’s pretty spectacular what shame will drive us to do.

But if they’re feeling shame, and you’re not shaming them, then make peace with the divide and recognize that

Not everything is about you.

People pleasers tend to think the opposite. I’m not saying you’re a people pleaser, but maybe you are. Maybe you just need to hear this again.

When they leave, let them go.

It’s super easy to creep their Facebook (until they block you).

It’s super easy to question yourself over and over.

Like, “Why wasn’t I enough? Why did they just take from me? Their life would have been easier if they had just accepted my handout.”

And maybe they DID accept.

It’s super easy to beat yourself up and ask questions you’ll never get to answer.

What’s more difficult is acknowledging that another person’s internal turmoil isn’t about you – but has everything to do with them.

shame

/SHām/
noun
a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. “she was hot with shame”
synonyms: humiliationmortificationchagrinignominyembarrassmentindignity,
discomfort

^^^ nowhere in that definition does it have anything to do with benevolence being wrong.

But if the taker thinks they shouldn’t have accepted help from you, that could cause a potentially breathtaking chasm inside of them.

And when a person has no air and the weight in their chest threatens to drag them away, it only makes sense that they would ditch the person who “made them feel that way.”

+++

See…

Though you’ve put in a lot of time and energy into that relationship, it doesn’t mean there will be a positive reciprocal reaction.

And it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you.

Having it happen once or twice or three times doesn’t inoculate you from having it happen again.

And as much as you’ll be tempted to say, “But I’m the common denominator,” it still won’t be about you.

Giving people tend to share. Responsible people tend to take care of their shit and have what they need. And if you’re both, well, there are going to be people who resent you for that.

But that’s not a good reason for you to think there’s something wrong with you.

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